Thursday, June 14, 2007

From Eggs to Babies

Can you die from eating eggs of questionable age? They didn't smell bad, and the omelet tasted pretty good. Oh geez. Maybe the herbs hid the smell of imminent death. Maybe I'll just spend the evening kneeling before the porcelain throne - wishing I was dead. Why didn't I just throw the eggs out? I can't die yet, my family needs me. The little monsters are hardly more than babies.

Speaking of babies. Do women just loose all sense of reality when it comes to infants or what? Have you seen some of the examples being splattered across the blog-o-sphere lately?

I've been following (at a safe distance) several examples in our own little expatriate microcosm. The list is too large, and you are unlikely to follow all the links so I'll just give you one example.

Doc, at 10 Rue De La Charme, has added a charming young lady to the list. To whit she has posted a photo for all to see of this unsuspecting child all done up in a Sumo wrestler fashion diaper, captioned "Hope this makes you giggle as much as us." Pause. Where is Doc? Where is the woman of superb dry wit that can reduce a sacred subject to melted jello? This was the woman who could deftly and mercilessly place the killing blow to my already weakened sense of fashion self respect. It must be postpartum hormones. Or maybe it is simply the genetic female response to seeing a newborn infant. Yes, it must be that. And forthwith all those comments of beautiful baby solidarity.

All, or at least most babies are ... charming? They certainly have some sort of pull on us. But beautiful? Ladies, I'm sorry but I have yet to see a beautiful newborn infant. There must be a hormone thing going on here. A genetic compulsion programed to keep women from grimacing and drop kicking that red, wrinkled, mass of unformed flesh into the next field. Wait. Don't get me wrong. This is a good thing. They do turn into cute and beautiful babies at some point. A good 6 months or more if ours were any example.

Here you see an example at over 3 months, still bordering on hairless grimlens, not to mention the very spooky eyes. I don't have the nerve of showing anything younger. Way too scary.
They probably shouldn't let guys see babies soon after birth. Although, personally, I think it would help if women could get a grip with the hormones and be just a little more honest about this beautiful baby thing. A lot of guys must think they are wandering around in the twilight zone when they hear all those comments and look at the subject. We are in a try to match the words with the image game, and it kind of makes us feel like there must be something wrong with us. "Uh, yea, er, sure, of course, he's gorgeous." (Oh my god, my kid is going to look like J. Edgar Hoover.)

It is a wonder I didn't have a heart attack.


MadameK said...

I am of the opinion that babies are fugly.

And "no, I don't want to hold your f*cking offspring. It ain't all that."

I wonder if this attitude is the reason I rarely get invited to dinner parties by breeders.

Doc said...

Moi? Hormonal? Bwaaahahahaha! You ain't seen nothing yet, luv. Just wait 'till I start singing the PMS Blues!

And I do believe the only time I mentioned the word beautiful in reference to the new screaming demon was to describe the color purple she was. Babies and beatuiful? Well, they both start with B. Otherwise the two words just don't go together.

(to self: should I really hit below the belt and say 'at least she's got hair?' hmmm, maybe not)

Papadesdeux said...

Almost 3 now, the boy still doesn't have much hair. Aaaaa. I'm sure he will think it is all my fault.

wcs said...

Sounds like the eggs were ok.

Ken Broadhurst said...

Winston Churchill dressed as a sumo wrestler. What a stitch!

Love Bears All Things said...

I always said "all babies are beautiful" until my 2nd grandson was born. Bless his heart he had a collapsed cord and they called it failure to thrive but I swear he looked like an alien.
Mama Bear

tongue in cheek said...

I am a confessed baby lover.

Pardon My French said...

Oooooh, you do like to live dangerously, don't you? I do understand your point of view, though, since I wasn't exactly a baby person myself. I used to much prefer children who can walk and talk instead of these intimidating, crying lumps.

I do think there is some kind of genetic programming going on, though. I was relieved to find my own progeny lovely when presented with her...I was honestly worried that I wouldn't. But I did, I still do, and Doc's baby really is cute in those photos! And so are yours, for that matter. Don't they call those "Mommy colored glasses?" Thank God for them, or we'd all be in trouble.

Amy H said...

Lucia still looks like a turtle, but now a turtle with baby acne. That is why you have not seen any photos of her recently! Of course, this does not mean that she won't be the next Giselle. It just might take a while.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode about the ugly baby :)

Anonymous said...